Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
