oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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