I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
