Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my poor anus
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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