We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
