I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
