seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
