i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
And then he peed in my hair
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