I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
