When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
