Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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