You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
