i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
