i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
