Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
