You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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