So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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