my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
