its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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