this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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