No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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