this beer tastes like vomit already
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
