Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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