I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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