Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
two words: eviction party
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
