Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he fucked my hip out of place.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
