When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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