Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
