I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
