my phone needs a breathalizer
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
