I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
