If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
