I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
