So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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