i wish starbucks made bloody marys
honey bunches of taint.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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