Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
