all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
