I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
