I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
