Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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