Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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