i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
