I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
