the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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