I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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