he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
