dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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