My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
