I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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