Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
why do cheetos always look like penises
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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