remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
