Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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